parenting

Parenting Tip: Create a Space for Open Dialogue

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Often, parents hope that their children will learn from the mistakes they made, so their children do not repeat the same mistakes. Sometimes they make hard-line rules based on preventing these mistakes, without sharing their experiences due to their own embarrassment or unwillingness to show their children their own flaws, thus maintaining a perfect parent persona. I believe there is a better way.

Giving up my own persona of an innocent mother who does not do anything wrong was key to opening up conversation and being able to share experiences in which my children could actually learn from what happened to me and feel free to share openly about what was going on in their world. Of course, it also helps to not quickly respond or shut them down because you don’t like what you are hearing. If you are clearing the space for true dialogue, it is important to learn to listen more than lecture. Ask them if they want your help or advice instead of just assuming they want it. Sometimes, just like you, what they need is someone to listen. Do not trivialize or make fun of their distress.

Eventually, your children will likely need to come to terms with their childhood experiences, good and bad. It is a good thing, even if it is an uncomfortable experience to have them analyze events of their youth that you played a role in. Sometimes things are remembered that you do not have any recollection of, or they will talk about how you responded to a situation that caused them a certain amount of grief. They may also bring up funny things you did that seem totally out of character. I encourage you to allow them to process what they need to process. People can experience or remember the same event very differently. Again, listening is key.

My children are now grown. I actually have probably completed whatever adulting lessons they have needed at this point. I am happy to say they are confident, smart, independent adults with their own passions, ideas, and purpose for their own lives. I did not know during their teenage years that this would be the result. As a matter of fact, I would often question if I was doing okay or wonder what other people would think of my parental choices. Now being on the other end and seeing the begining of their adult lives, I can say that yes I made mistakes; however, allowing them their own choices, supporting what they wanted or said they needed, letting them explore who they are and who they want to be is what ultimately helped them be who they are today.

Montessori Approach to Parenting Adult Children

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I have reached a stage in my life where my children are grown. Although they faced hardships as young people, they have become independent. They are freethinking individuals who want to make a positive change in the world. I couldn’t ask for more!

“Peace is what every human being is craving for, and it can be brought about by the humanity through the child.” – Maria Montessori

If we raise children to be lifelong learners, they could truly impact the future of our planet. Allow them to develop and nurture their compassion for others. One thing I have to remember is to listen. I should not try to solve any problems that arise unless they ask for help. They need to have the opportunity to experience success and failure. So, keeping in line with Montessori principles, they experience the outcomes of their choices. No one tries to fix their mistakes for them. Often, just like me, they just want someone to listen while they work out their solutions.

I am not a fan of the approach of ‘now that you are 18, you need to move out and support yourself.’ I suppose this is like teaching your child to swim by throwing them into the water. We live in a world where this could lead to desperation. Choices are more limited while they are trying to figure out how to “adult”. I prefer going into the water with them. I show them and help them learn. At the same time, I gently encourage them to start swimming on their own.

So for a child entering adulthood it is important to watch and see what they are confident in and see what they ask for help with in order to develop their own independence separate from you. Be available to help, but try not to do what they can do for themselves.

For a young adult learning to take care of their bodies it could be helping them learn about health insurance, selecting a doctor, making appointments, and picking up prescriptions. They may need guidance regarding money management and learning how to use money to take care of their environment. They may request assistance in budgeting, opening bank accounts, how to make deposits, transfer money, paying bills, and taxes. These tasks when accomplished or mastered builds confidence and independence.

Parenting an adult should be a balance between showing, assisting, and acknowledgment of their ability with the goal of building their own intrinsic value and confidence that will allow them the freedom and independence to swim on their own.

Priority #1 is the Child

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“The greatest crime that society commits is that of wasting the money which it should use for children on things that will destroy them and society itself….” (p.214, para.1)

Thoughts after reading Part III. 30. The Rights of the Child

Maria demands that society set its priorities straight.  The child is the most important investment in the future of our world, yet often budgetary and funding choices within the home or government do not show this.  So many lives could be changed if more effort was placed on creating the proper environment for children to prosper in the home and at school.  Parents should be prepared for the great responsibility of child rearing, understanding their responsibility goes beyond just the physical health of their child.  The greatest thing a parent can do is love their child beyond their own self, placing their needs beyond their own.  This does not mean catering and being a slave to your child’s whim.  It means thinking about was is best for your child.  Do your research, seek to understand the child, become an observer and respond to their natural development that is unfolding before you.

I have now completed Maria Montessori’s Secret of Childhood.  I hope you have enjoyed this journey with me. I look forward to my next read:  The Discovery of the Child.

Montessori, M., & Costelloe, M. J. (1972). Introduction, Childhood: A Social -Problem. The secret of childhood (pp. 209-216). New York: Ballantine Books. (Original work published 1966)

 

Embrace your maternal instincts!

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“Maternal instinct” is thus a generic definition given to the guiding instinct that is concerned with the preservation of the species. It has certain characteristics that are common to all living creatures. For one thing, it demands a sacrifice of all other adult instincts.” (p.201, para.5)

Thoughts after reading Part III: 28. Guiding Instincts

Montessori describes the deep sacrifice made by other creatures on behalf of their offspring; the bird build a nest, bees build a beehive, and spiders become intimately attached to their egg sack. Their instincts guide them to give their offspring what they need at the perfect time for their development. Yet as adults, we try to mold the children to fit into our adult world, instead of creating the nurturing environment they need in order to grow, “He acts as a butterfly would act that would break the cocoon of its larva to encourage it to fly. Or he acts like a frog that would draw its tadpole out of the water so that it might breathe on land….” (p.205, para. 2)

We may not be able to perfectly sacrifice ourselves as other animal species do for their children; however, being aware of our selfish tendencies can allow us to open our eyes to the child’s perspective and make changes that could benefit our children . A child needs an emotional and physical environment that is suitable for their development. As they grow and change their environment also needs to shift to support those needs.

Montessori, M., & Costelloe, M. J. (1972). Introduction, Childhood: A Social -Problem. The secret of childhood (pp. 199-206). New York: Ballantine Books. (Original work published 1966)

For a child, love is simple

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“A child’s love is by nature simple. He loves in order that he may receive impressions which will furnish him with means of growth.” (p.103-104, para. 6)

Thoughts after reading PART 1: 17. The Intelligence of Love

When you love someone or something, you pay particular attention to the details. Your child pays a lot of attention to you and notices everything.  When they go to bed at night they want you to linger with them, they will miss you if you are not there.  When you are working, they want to be with you.  When you run an errand, they want to come with.  They love you and want to be with you.  It really is a simple truth.  As a parent you are your child’s love.  In this context, how can a parent not relish the opportunity to spend time with their child.  As they grow older they will find new loves.  Perhaps music, sports, or science will attract them in such a way that they will want to spend their time caught up with a new attraction.

In an inspiring environment, such as a Montessori classroom, a child is attracted to the many activities and discoveries that await them.  The teacher will introduce them to work, that will invoke a new love. As a Montessori teacher, I sought to spark a child’s curiosity and give him tools that he needed to find the answers to his curiosity.  I wanted to child to discover a love for learning.

Montessori, M., & Costelloe, M. J. (1972). Introduction, Childhood: A Social -Problem. The secret of childhood (pp. 103-107). New York: Ballantine Books. (Original work published 1966)

Solving a puzzle

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Montessori, M., & Costelloe, M. J. (1972). Introduction, Childhood: A Social -Problem. The secret of childhood (pp. 60-70). New York: Ballantine Books. (Original work published 1966)
Thoughts after reading PART I: 9. Intelligence

“We should try to understand there is an intelligent reason behind a child’s activities. He does nothing without reason, some motive.” (p. 68, para 2)

Montessori reminds adults that children are very intelligent and are working on developing their intellect in various ways depending on their age. As adults we are easily blinded by our own assumptions. We think we know what children want and often distract them from their own observations to point out obvious things to them and not considering the child’s own developmental needs.

Perhaps we should try to learn more from our children. Instead of placing our own opinions and ideas in their heads, we should seek to understand their ideas. Figuring out a child’s joy, frustration, curiosities, and interests is like solving a complex puzzle. You may be surprised to discover how great their intelligence is and amazed at how they assimilate information if they are allowed uninterrupted time to gather and organize their thoughts and ideas.

In the Montessori classroom work time for the child is sacred and uninterrupted. They are given a rich environment in which they can explore and gather knowledge and ideas. The teacher is a guide whom introduces children to the environment in a way that builds curiosity and invites children to discover and explore on their own.

 

Mysterious force within a child

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Montessori, M., & Costelloe, M. J. (1972). Introduction, Childhood: A Social -Problem. The secret of childhood (pp. 29-36). New York: Ballantine Books. (Original work published 1966)

Thoughts after reading Part I: 6 The spiritual embryo: The incarnation

“The very fact that a child is not subject to fixed and predetermined guiding instincts is an indication of its innate liberty and freedom of action.” (p.31, para. 2)

Montessori looks at education at the importance of psychic development.  She explains a “mysterious force” which drives moves the body, helping the baby grow in many developmental areas.   Because of the special way in which human children develop, it is essential to provide them with an environment that will nurture their spirit as well as their physical development.

After my second daughter was born I was working at a Montessori school and was began studying Montessori Philosophy.  I tried to incorporate what I was learning into my parenting. Both of my children benefitted from being able to explore their environment in a less restrictive way. The result for my youngest daughter was toilet training at a very young age, as well as walking very early. Both children became very independent and enjoyed doing a lot of things for themselves.  Allowing them freedom to explore nurtured their spirit. This trait is still very present in both of their characters today.