Adult Children

Parenting Tip: Create a Space for Open Dialogue

/ Cosmicnissa / Leave a comment

Often, parents hope that their children will learn from the mistakes they made, so their children do not repeat the same mistakes. Sometimes they make hard-line rules based on preventing these mistakes, without sharing their experiences due to their own embarrassment or unwillingness to show their children their own flaws, thus maintaining a perfect parent persona. I believe there is a better way.

Giving up my own persona of an innocent mother who does not do anything wrong was key to opening up conversation and being able to share experiences in which my children could actually learn from what happened to me and feel free to share openly about what was going on in their world. Of course, it also helps to not quickly respond or shut them down because you don’t like what you are hearing. If you are clearing the space for true dialogue, it is important to learn to listen more than lecture. Ask them if they want your help or advice instead of just assuming they want it. Sometimes, just like you, what they need is someone to listen. Do not trivialize or make fun of their distress.

Eventually, your children will likely need to come to terms with their childhood experiences, good and bad. It is a good thing, even if it is an uncomfortable experience to have them analyze events of their youth that you played a role in. Sometimes things are remembered that you do not have any recollection of, or they will talk about how you responded to a situation that caused them a certain amount of grief. They may also bring up funny things you did that seem totally out of character. I encourage you to allow them to process what they need to process. People can experience or remember the same event very differently. Again, listening is key.

My children are now grown. I actually have probably completed whatever adulting lessons they have needed at this point. I am happy to say they are confident, smart, independent adults with their own passions, ideas, and purpose for their own lives. I did not know during their teenage years that this would be the result. As a matter of fact, I would often question if I was doing okay or wonder what other people would think of my parental choices. Now being on the other end and seeing the begining of their adult lives, I can say that yes I made mistakes; however, allowing them their own choices, supporting what they wanted or said they needed, letting them explore who they are and who they want to be is what ultimately helped them be who they are today.

Montessori Approach to Parenting Adult Children

/ Cosmicnissa / Leave a comment

I have reached a stage in my life where my children are grown. Although they faced hardships as young people, they have become independent. They are freethinking individuals who want to make a positive change in the world. I couldn’t ask for more!

“Peace is what every human being is craving for, and it can be brought about by the humanity through the child.” – Maria Montessori

If we raise children to be lifelong learners, they could truly impact the future of our planet. Allow them to develop and nurture their compassion for others. One thing I have to remember is to listen. I should not try to solve any problems that arise unless they ask for help. They need to have the opportunity to experience success and failure. So, keeping in line with Montessori principles, they experience the outcomes of their choices. No one tries to fix their mistakes for them. Often, just like me, they just want someone to listen while they work out their solutions.

I am not a fan of the approach of ‘now that you are 18, you need to move out and support yourself.’ I suppose this is like teaching your child to swim by throwing them into the water. We live in a world where this could lead to desperation. Choices are more limited while they are trying to figure out how to “adult”. I prefer going into the water with them. I show them and help them learn. At the same time, I gently encourage them to start swimming on their own.

So for a child entering adulthood it is important to watch and see what they are confident in and see what they ask for help with in order to develop their own independence separate from you. Be available to help, but try not to do what they can do for themselves.

For a young adult learning to take care of their bodies it could be helping them learn about health insurance, selecting a doctor, making appointments, and picking up prescriptions. They may need guidance regarding money management and learning how to use money to take care of their environment. They may request assistance in budgeting, opening bank accounts, how to make deposits, transfer money, paying bills, and taxes. These tasks when accomplished or mastered builds confidence and independence.

Parenting an adult should be a balance between showing, assisting, and acknowledgment of their ability with the goal of building their own intrinsic value and confidence that will allow them the freedom and independence to swim on their own.