Often, parents hope that their children will learn from the mistakes they made, so their children do not repeat the same mistakes. Sometimes they make hard-line rules based on preventing these mistakes, without sharing their experiences due to their own embarrassment or unwillingness to show their children their own flaws, thus maintaining a perfect parent persona. I believe there is a better way.

Giving up my own persona of an innocent mother who does not do anything wrong was key to opening up conversation and being able to share experiences in which my children could actually learn from what happened to me and feel free to share openly about what was going on in their world. Of course, it also helps to not quickly respond or shut them down because you don’t like what you are hearing. If you are clearing the space for true dialogue, it is important to learn to listen more than lecture. Ask them if they want your help or advice instead of just assuming they want it. Sometimes, just like you, what they need is someone to listen. Do not trivialize or make fun of their distress.

Eventually, your children will likely need to come to terms with their childhood experiences, good and bad. It is a good thing, even if it is an uncomfortable experience to have them analyze events of their youth that you played a role in. Sometimes things are remembered that you do not have any recollection of, or they will talk about how you responded to a situation that caused them a certain amount of grief. They may also bring up funny things you did that seem totally out of character. I encourage you to allow them to process what they need to process. People can experience or remember the same event very differently. Again, listening is key.

My children are now grown. I actually have probably completed whatever adulting lessons they have needed at this point. I am happy to say they are confident, smart, independent adults with their own passions, ideas, and purpose for their own lives. I did not know during their teenage years that this would be the result. As a matter of fact, I would often question if I was doing okay or wonder what other people would think of my parental choices. Now being on the other end and seeing the begining of their adult lives, I can say that yes I made mistakes; however, allowing them their own choices, supporting what they wanted or said they needed, letting them explore who they are and who they want to be is what ultimately helped them be who they are today.